Hey Friends,
I hope I can write this without sounding depressed, crazy, a debbie downer, or that I want sympathy. I just want to get this experience out in writing in hopes that it will help me heal. I also think this happens to so many women, and they feel like they can't talk to anyone about it. It seems like a forbidden topic to talk about. So I'm going to write it out. Also this way, I won't have to explain it to everyone or have to talk about it anymore. :)
Two weeks ago Brad and I received wonderful news that we were pregnant. We were so excited, but something deep down in me was a little resistant, almost scared. I could never really get my finger on it, I had been wanting a baby so bad, and now that it had happened it just wasn't what I had thought I would feel when I received the great news. I now know that someone upstairs was preparing me for what was to come.
I went in to see the doctor and found out I was 8 weeks pregnant, it was crazy because I hadn't even felt sick. Everyone said I was one of the lucky ones! I asked the doctor if I could get an ultrasound just to be sure everything was ok. Sure enough, there was a very healthy heartbeat. It was all happening so fast, but once I saw the heartbeat I started to get really excited.
The following week we were going on vacation up to Shasta Lake for the Arave family vacation. I wanted to tell my mom and sisters right away, since I would be gone for a whole week. Still hesitant about telling people, but I couldn't keep a secret for much longer. We of course spilled the news to Brads family also, after all if I wasn't wakeboarding the whole trip, they would know something was up. Everyone was so excited for us, and it was finally becoming a reality.
Once we were back home I had a doctors apt set up for Monday. Brad wasn't planning on coming since we had both just missed a lot of work, but something had told him that he needed to be there. The doctor came in and was awesome, she started the ultrasound and started to sound concerned. Something inside of me told me everything would be okay, sadly at the moment it didn't feel like it. She said there was no heartbeat, i kinda went numb for a bit and didn't realize what was happening. She started talking about a lot of stuff that I wasn't expecting to hear, then she hugged me. I then realized what was going on, I had lost the baby that I was so excited for. Brad immediately got up and started rubbing my back. The nurse was seriously an angel, she was so kind and comforting, I was so grateful for her and the way she handle it. She gave us a few seconds together and then took some blood work. She offered to have me come in the next day and do another test, but I didn't want to get my hopes up, something inside me knew it was over.
I think the worst part of this experience is having to tell those that were so excited for you that you lost a baby. I know this seems to happen all the time, but being 27 and having this happen on your first baby when all your other friends are getting pregnant and have babies is killing me. I am grateful that I really have only had two weeks to get excited about this baby, and that the hesitant feeling I had in the beginning was probably a blessing. I know everything happens for a reason and that something had to be seriously wrong with the baby in order for this to happen, and I am grateful for that. I'm also so grateful for a wonderful husband that will stay up all night with you and rub your back until you stop crying and fall asleep. He has been an amazing rock and I couldn't do this without him. I know I will be okay, and this will hopefully pass through soon, and I will be a mom someday, just not today.
